Divorce Happens

I'm no expert on this but I do think my eyes have been opened a little more when it comes to this subject. I am forever grateful that I have parents that are in love and continue to work together to have a life through eternity. This last week we talked about divorce, it is tough stuff. I don't have too much of an opinion on this subject; I believe that if you are in a situation where there is pain on a daily basis and after work there has been no improvement then you should leave. The Lord wants us to be happy and if you are no longer in a situation that makes you happy after you've tried every which way to get there then it's time to leave.

I hope that I am never faced with divorce, I hope my friends and family aren't either. My professor did give some advice if divorce is the case. First you have to hit the point of being done. You can't be on a line you have to be done. Second don't date until 6months after the divorce is final. Next after you do find someone it is going to take 2 years for normalcy to happen. And if you do get married and one has kids, let the birth parent to be the one to provide correction.

Again I'm not going to say it is bad or good; it's whatever is best for the whole.

Parenting

She's not my baby but she looks close enough.

We talked all over the place this week but the topic was parenting. I really think the reason why we talked all over the place is because parenting has so much to do with who you become and how you parent. Our teacher gave a presentation that talked about the different reasons people do what they do and why. I found it incredibly interesting so I'm going to attach my notes. The first bullet talks about what causes the behavior; the second is the type of approach; and the third describes the actions involved in those approaches.

• Contact and Belonging
• Mistake Approach
• Undue attention seeking
• Positive Approach
• Parents need to offer it freely
• Look for opportunity being good
• Teach the child to learn how to contribute
• Helping at home
• You have to allow them to help when it is inconvenient for them to help when you really need them to help
• Thank you and a touch is way more valuable then a treat or a dollar
• You have to do it with them for them to want to do it

• Power Over Self, Environment
• Mistake Approach
• Rebellion
• Controlling others
• Positive Approach
• Responsibility
• Choices
• Age and Situation appropriate choices
• Consequences

• Protection (physical and emotional dangers)
• Mistaken Approach
• Revenge
• Positive Approach
• Assertiveness (tolerate attempts at assertiveness)
• Forgiveness (the people who hurt us the most are probably the people we love the most).

• Withdrawal (a break)
• Mistaken Approach
• Undue avoidance
• Positive Approach
• Positive time out

But besides these points my teacher gave us this quote that totally makes sense and is applicable to almost every situation in life and it is:

You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you do not need cannot satisfy you.

Think about it and it will begin to make sense to you... Well guys again I ask for your input to parenting. Where do you think you'll end up with your kids? How much do you think your parenting effects your kids?

Working Women

Even Doctors Get Into Water Fights With Their Kids.

So this can be a very touchy subject. I grew up and still have a career mom. She is very focused and has taught me value lessons about making dreams come true. She has shown me that no matter how many times you've been pushed down you can stand back up and accomplish something. My mom is a mother of 8 and a physician. So many people told her she was crazy trying to become a doctor and have a large family but she did it and continues to do it.

Now that I've got it clear that I have an amazing mom, which I do. There are trade-offs having a working mom. One being that I didn't get the experience of going on a field trip with my mom, not saying that if she could have she wouldn't have because should would have. When I was younger and I needed help on my homework I went to my big sister or my very smart little brother cause my mom was working or my dad was busy. Because my mom worked I have a great relationship with my dad, sometimes I catch myself calling my dad for something that I would typically call my mom for.

Life is different now, my mom has a little more time and makes herself available for us if we need her and my little sisters get to go on field trips with my mom. We have found a happy middle point. I will say that my mom would have gone completely insane being a stay at home mom and she is an amazing doctor. I wouldn't want a different mom.

So now you know how my life was I'll tell you how I hope it will be for my children. I hope that I can be a at home mom. I have always dreamed of it. I think that it would be very hard for me to leave my children in some else's care when I could be doing it. The way I see it my dream is/has been/will continue to be a mom and then a career woman. So that is my plan... what's yours? How was it for you growing up? Leave a comment.

Communication

So I think that all men don't know the concept of communication. Whenever I go to Nick trying to talk about something serious I always end up get frustrated. The man doesn't talk! Last time I told him that I wasn't going to live my life full of "I don't know"s. Nick just shrugged his shoulders and we went back to life. Ugh, every time we talk it gets better. I have now realized that it is going to be a while before our communication was perfect if it ever gets there. We are always honest and we do talk about the hard stuff so I think we are better off than most.

Anyhow, in class last week we talked about communication. It was all basic stuff that we've all heard before. With the exception of a few things. One that stuck out with me above all was HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired; if you are any of these things then it is not the time to talk. Don't ever demand to resolve something before going to bed. It is better to go to bed and talk about it in the morning, with a night's rest it may not even be a problem. Remember that in every situation everyone understands what was said in a slightly different manner. And "own" the message, don't beat around the bush.

Well I've thrown out a bunch of random thoughts. Feel free to throw out some advise and leave a comment.

MAYDAY!!!

Family crisis, it can make or break a family. Now every family experiences a crisis at one point in time or another. Now it is how you handle it that makes the difference, if you turn to each other and begin working as a team and relying family. Now if you start blaming each other and turning your back it is going to fail. I guess the best I can do to display this is to share a personal experience.

Last October my dad was involved in a horseback riding accident. In the end he ended up shattering his femur, breaking four vertebra, and nine ribs. Now my dad was in the hospital for a long long time. There was a lot of different trails that came along with that. We all came together the best we could to help the best we could. And because of that we are a stronger family. We know that we can make it through. My dad is walking now with a cane and driving again. It is was during this trial that my family has grown its strongest.

I hope that as it comes time for my family to grow it will be strong enough to make it through trials like the one with my dad.

Intimacy in Marriage

Wawhoo I get to write about sex. It is so funny, I feel like talking about sex isn't that big of a deal because I grew up knowing about it. I was exposed to it in 5th grade when we had sex education. I remember walking into class with a pad and deodorant sitting on my desk. From then on it wasn't a big deal. I could talk to my sisters or my friends about it and if there was an important question I could turn to my mom. It never really phased me. It surprises me when I get asked by different people different things that I have learned about sex. What it all comes down to is that I have known from a very early age that sex is good in marriage, not before.

Now I am not judging or saying you are a horrible person if you didn't wait till marriage, that isn't the case. This what I believe to be true. My book states all these benefits of waiting, studies have been done proving that if you wait sex is better and occurs more often than if you don't. You are less likely to have a divorce... too bad people don't hear about these things in high school. Well that is my take on that. My marriage isn't far away and I am like every other person I can't wait to share myself completely with the man of my dreams!

Don't forget comments.

... Oh and this is from the week before last, I guess I forgot to post it.

Marriage

All because two people fell in love...

Very interesting discussion last week. Marriage, it so complex. I have spent my whole life dreaming and planning for it. And I am so not prepared. It is so so much more. My biggest lesson from last week that

LOVE IS NOT PERFECT

Not only is it not perfect it isn't easy. You have to look the imperfections and understanding that everything successful in life takes work. We talked a lot about making those choices now with your future spouse or spouse to make life later easier. We came up with a long list of all sorts of adjustments that will be made after marriage. We talked about how important talking is. Now this is so true talking about those things and trying to come to a decision on how those things will be handled is a huge step and helping things work in your marriage.

Now applying this to me and Nick is kind of fun but hard at the same time because men DON'T TALK! I am coming to an understanding that at a certain point you've got to keep asking questions, otherwise you will get know where. I am so glad that we discussed that in class.

My second lesson of the week

FORGET ABOUT YOU-

President Kimball

We talked about how a lot of issues in marriage are caused by selfishness. When you forget about his or her problems and think about your own. Then you see that some issues could be completely avoided because you are more aware that the issue may be your stubbornness or your lack of listening. I see that in my own relationship, on occasion Nick will do something that really rubs me the wrong way so my response is to shut off. He will spend the next hour trying to get it out of me and I will refuse to say something is bothering me, which is so dumb. If I would just tell him what the heck it is that is bothering me then he could work on making it better. What gets me sometimes is I'll ask him the small things I do that bother him and he says that there isn't anything, which is also dumb. Anyhow over time we work through it and after each little spat it improves.

So the message of last week is Love is not perfect and stop being so selfish!

So guys give me you thoughts... and help my grade and comment.

Love

In honor of Valentines... NOT. We actually talked about love last week in class. We talked about the dating and courtship and moved on through to the different types of love.

So how do I describe love now that I am an "expert" on the manner, love to me is more than a feeling it is a willingness to give of yourself without thought to another person. I also believe that love has many different meanings and feelings. It like a box of crayons. You know that you can turn to your box of crayons and find the color that you need whether it be to make a valentine card or to make a card of sympathy for a funeral. Do I love Nick the same way I love my baby sister, no but there are characteristics of each of those loves that intertwine. Just like you may use a green crayon on both cards.

I have done some of my own research last week on love. Last week I had a dear friend pass away in a motorcycle accident. I loved my boss he was very dear to me, he took care of me when I needed taking care of, he helped me when I needed help, he laughed with me when laughing was all we could do. Brother Budge was a great example of all types of love. He was madly deeply in love with his wife. He cared deeply for his children. He loved all of us that worked for him at the library. Because this past week I dealt with a lot of mourning I was given some great advice, " Death without sorrow is like life without love." We all need love. We all crave love. With Brother Budge's death I found it hard to express all my feelings even to Nick, so I turned to the Lord and in the end I found a book which quotes the scriptures a lot. In 1Corinthians 13:4-7 it is speaking of Charity but the word love is often exchanged out so that the verse reads,

"Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not, love vauntheth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, us not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoice not in iniquity, but rejoice in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hoepth all things, endureth all things."

When you find your companion love makes things possible that you never thought possible. Suddenly you see the world in another light. But you've got to remember that just because you are in love doesn't mean that things will always be easy, love is an ongoing project that takes time and effort from both parties. With that being said the Lord wants us to love meaning energy put into love is worthy energy.

So those were the crazy ramblings of my mind about love. I love you have a wonderful Valentines with your sweet heart because I know I will.... Also don't forget comments. Those suckers are needed.

PS. Nickoli Blaine Angiuli Jr I love you!

Woman & Men

This week we talked a lot about gender roles. I want to say first that everything that I say is the ramblings of my mind, it is by no means doctrine or the law. It is just how I think, sadly enough I have to say that because there are so many opinions in this world. Now back to the subject...

SEX : (as defined by dictionary.com)

1. Either the male or female division of species, especially as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions.
2. The sum of the structural and functional differences by which the male and female are distinguished, or the phenomena or behavior dependent on these differences.
3. The instinct or attraction drawing one sex toward another, or its manifestation in life and conduct.

So as you can see many different things go into who we are and what makes us us. So how do you define a man? How do you define a woman? We did this in class using just looking through the world's view. Then we did this from the view of the church. It is amazing how far but how similar they are. So from my point of view these are the roles.

Woman Men

-Caregiver -Provider

-Mother -Presider

-Organizer -Caregiver

-Feeler -Supporter

Okay so that is a rough sketch, but try it yourself. I tried to just use verbs. I guess for me it is more of what I want to become. How I'd like for life to pan out when Nick and I finally have OUR lives together. I guess that is a little silly but it is true. Now how did I come to those conclusion. I believe it comes from watching those in my life and taking what has worked and what hasn't. So where do you sit on the line? Me personally as you can see am very traditional.

-Hannah_

Stereotypical...

So this week in class we've been looking at our own lives from the outside. At one point my professor had us turn to a person next to us and say what "class" you are. So if you really think about it, it isn't just how much money you have or the clothes you where. It is also where you live and how you live, it's also what the color of your skin (sadly enough) or which family you were born into. So where do you rank?
For me this is hard, I am a white girl that grew up with food on the table, parents that worked hard, I go to college and I'm not fighting my way through, my parents are helping (THANKFULLY!), so I would say I am well off... however I would never pay $100 for a pair of pants and I think I have only ever owned 2 things from Hollister and one of those things was perfume. I know once I get married I won't be able to live the same lifestyle I grew up living. I guess the point I am getting to is my family is upper-middle class. Sounds weird putting it out there.

Another description that my professor had me throw out there is the definition of my culture and it needed to be more than a one word description. Here is my rough sketch of what I feel my culture is. My culture is very family oriented, that would be because that is were it was born. In my home kind words are rarely said, but when they are you know that they are truthful. I see how my culture is changing now that my life is joining another, I say kind words more often, I tease less often. I see things in a more positive light and less of a pessimistic light. The values I have are because of how I was raised. I grew up going to church learning of Christ, because of that I think about Him often and when I make decisions I turn to the Lord for His help. My culture the people I surround myself with and the holidays I celebrate are all there because of how I was raised. We get to choose which aspects to take from what we had growing up to continue with that tradition or to change to make it better for yourself.

So people what is your culture? What is your status?

One door closes and another one opens

So you never expect it but it always happens the rug gets pulled out from under you and man that fall hurts. For me it was the ending of a chapter in my life. Of course I am sad to see a relationship end but I am excited to see what doors have been opened for me.

In light of the crazy events of last week my classes suffered greatly, that may be because the only time I wasn't crying was when I was in class or on my way to class. I wish I had super human powers and could over come those moments and concentrate on the bigger picture. Because so much of "the event" last week involved my family, I thought a lot about the mapping assignment we were given. I leaned a lot on the relationships that involved a dashed line or "permeable boundaries." These would be the healthy relationships where the boundaries aren't crossed, when I can be open but it doesn't cross the line of being too open. It was good for me to be able to look at it in that light seeing that I still have healthy relationships. Where one story ends another begins. Now I see the benefits of all these different subsystems in life, even when they aren't healthy this way I can move toward improvement. It definitely can be difficult trying to find that boundaries.

Don't worry I wasn't talking about Nick, he and I are all good.

My insights from the week... Jan9-15

This week we talked a lot about research. We discussed how we know if the research is valid or not. It was interesting one of our assignments was to research bad research. It is amazing how much there is out there. One guy shared his example and I think most people can relate to it... the National Inquirer. It is the prime example, it knows how to take something and blow it completely out of proportion. Next time you are in the line at the grocery store take a gander at the bad research. We had a short discussion on Monday but Wednesday sparked a lot of questions of my own.

We talked more about research. We talked about the difference between a law, a theory, and a hypothesis. And somehow we ended up on the discussion of Organic Evolution. So freaking interesting. BYU came out with a booklet talking about it. I was so interested that... get this... I looked it up! Here is the link if you are interested. I haven't made it all the way through but it does spark some interesting ideas that as a Latter Day Saint you don't think of right off the bat. Some other things people pointed out was that we don't need to understand evolution. It isn't essential to salvation, so spend time doing the things that will take us closer to Christ. Which if you are me makes sense but the man that spends his whole life researching it probably doesn't appreciate that comment. Then someone else made the comment that in the booklet it takes about Adam and Eve are the first humans to be born on the earth. So that means that Lucy could in fact be part of evolution. Things change for the better and for the worse all the time. That is what we talked about on Friday.

We talked about the different trends that are being made in families today. There were multiple trends we talked about, the one that really got me thinking was the living alone one. So I am not going to be one of those people that lives alone, specially cause I am getting married and all but before I met Nick it crossed my mind often. I was actually looking forward to it. I can defiantly see why people live alone. Something take really made me think about it more was when someone made the comment that life is harder when you aren't responsible to someone. When you don't have to report to someone, how it can be destructive. It makes sense. I am glad that I am not going to end up being alone. I am just like everyone else and I crave personal relationships. I need to talk and be able people or I'll go crazy and start talking to walls or something.

Well those are my insights from the week in my family relations course. I hope something as perked your curiosity and you can now use google to your advantage.... Please leave comments, that is the whole point of this blog so you can give me feed back

Family Relations Course

I have an assignment for Family Relations Course to start a blog... good news I already have one. For the first assignment when needed to set up some objectives for myself. So here they are...

• For I would really like to become comfortable with all the different stages of family. There is a different manner in which to hold a conversation with newlyweds, first time parts, families that have been together for 10, 25 and 50 years.
• I would also like to prepare myself for marriage being newly engaged there is a lot of unknown ahead of me and becoming comfortable with different aspects of marriage will be beneficial to me.
• Another aspect that I would like to be introduced to is the more secular look on marriage. I have grown up in the church and have always understand that this is an eternal commitment. I would like to understand more of my in-law-to-be's perspectives, they are members now but they have some different views on how long we should date and be engaged. I want to be prepared in case my child ends up marrying someone that isn't from an LDS family.